Lonliness

Have you ever been lonely in a room full of people? Maybe there is no one around, but you don’t feel the separation. Have you yet realized the difference between being alone and being lonely?

My life started just as any other's. I was born, cried a lot, and pooped even more. When I was six, I went off to my first day of kindergarten. I hit it off well, making friends and learning how to sustain relationships.

At age 11, I went proudly to middle school, leaving several friends and making even more. I was not an introverted child; everyone was a potential friend. At age 14, I left for high school, making friends by the end of the first week. Every time I was around people, I would make myself known.

Then, that fateful day changed it all.

My mother was murdered by a close relative. My whole trust system was shattered. I was afraid of my life, but I was afraid of death even more.

My friends slipped farther and farther from my heart - I felt the void - but I could change nothing. I cried myself to sleep every night, grieving.

At that time, my friends thought it was just me missing my mother and tried to give me space; but that only helped throw me into a fit of depression. I no longer went to any parties or get-togethers with my friends. I would study alone, eat lunch alone, sit alone, and cry alone.

My dad turned to work, making it his main priority (instead of me, his only daughter). His workaholic habits cut me deeply, making me think all of a sudden that he loved his work more than me.

My doctor prescribed some depression pills for me and told me that I should start talking to the school counselor. I tried the pills and talking, but all the counselor wanted to do was show me slide shows and stupid pictures. The more people tried to help me, the more I stuffed it down.

After several months, I had lost a majority of my old friends; and they started spreading rumors about me. The few people that still considered me a friend kept their distances and wouldn’t go any further than small talk (to which I would answer with simple nods or shakes of my head).

My heart ached for someone to love me, but I didn’t let anyone into my personal bubble until I finally found a guy that I felt would love me no matter what. We dated frequently and became a couple, my dad never interrupting his busy lifestyle except to inform me that all any guy wanted was sex and to ask that I be careful. I knew that... but not him - not Jared. Jared was the most loving guy I had ever met, and he loved me even through depression.

I kept taking the medicine, doubling it every other day.

Then, again, my world turned in a different direction. It was my 16th birthday, and I was extremely excited. Some of my close friends called and said "Happy Birthday!" My dad ran out the door as usual, tossing a note on the counter.

I smiled, expecting a birthday letter, and opened it. My smile faded, and a painful tear slipped down my face. The letter read...

Dear Megyn,

I’m going on a business trip for about a week. Sorry I had to hurry this morning or I would’ve told you myself. I’ll see you when I get back, find someone to help around the house and no parties, not like I see any of your friends anymore.

Your’s Truly,
Dad

He had completely forgotten about my birthday. I reread it, making sure I hadn’t skipped a line. I hadn’t.

I paced the floor, anger and hurt ripping at my heart. I picked up the phone, my hands shaking, my eyes dripping with tears. The phone rang and rang. After several rings, he answered: Jared, his sweet voice agreeing to come over.

I looked at my medicine; the bottle was half full. I shook it and took out two pills, popping them into my mouth, swallowing them.

I paced the floor, straightening up a little, waiting for Jared to get there.

When he finally got there, I let him in and saw that he had brought two of his friends. My heart sank, but the plastered smile stayed on my face, greeting them. Jared came up to me, hugged me, and kissed me briefly. I smiled a real smile.

Jared explained that, on his way here, his two friends had wanted to come and that he didn’t think I would mind them coming. I said that I didn’t, even though I did mind. We had already hung out for a couple of hours when everyone suddenly smiled at each other and advanced toward me. They took me into the bedroom and closed the door.

They left me lying naked on the bed in a fetal position, crying my eyes out. They had raped me. My one and only love and his friends had just gang raped me. The pit inside of me grew deeper and turned into a black hole, taking every bit of security and self esteem I had left in me.

I felt like a helpless worm writhing under the hot sun, unable to recover from my emotional state.

I got up and shuffled into the bathroom, tears still spewing out of my eyes. I turned the heat up high and jumped in, the water burning and scalding my skin. I scrubbed and scrubbed until I couldn’t stand the heat anymore and turned the shower off. I stood in the shower, soaking in burning hot water, weeping.

I ran back to my room and got dressed, my red skin burning. The memories of what happened swarmed through my mind, making my eyes overflow with waterfalls of tears.

There was no way I could tell my dad. All he would do was say “I told you so” in more or less words. I looked over at my desk. There was my medicine. I picked the bottle up and got an idea.

I raced through the house gathering as much prescription medicine as I could. I grabbed a glass of water and gulped down the pile of pills.

After 10 minutes or so my head started spinning, and I lied down. Just before slipping off into sleep, I remembered something...

“Happy Birthday Megyn.”

That's what I needed to say, and I said it!