Well, over the last months I have gone through a large depression. Not a new thing for me, but this one involved the first break up I have ever gone through.
I know some of you say "Well, it will happen many more times sweetheart, get used to it," I feel like I have right to be pretty upset about this one. I loved my boyfriend a lot, probably more than healthy considering I didn't have anyone else for a long time. We did everything together, and while the relationship never got farther than kisses, he knew me better than anyone else. He was my best friend and always there for more, but at the end of this summer, I started seeing less of him. He had made amends with friends that he had been fighting with and was with them 6 out of 7 days in the week. Needless to say, that made me unhappy, because I still didn't have much of anyone. We began fighting because he didn't see any reason why it would upset me and he always would always accuse me of being jealous. And maybe I was in some rights, but not the way he would put it.
After all this strain on the relationship, I was getting depressed and it was becoming harder to control any of my emotions. One day he started picking fun at my intelligence (and though I hate to admit it, I am very arrogant about being smart), it was pretty much the last straw and I blew up. I jump on him with real intention to cause pain, looking back now, it was stupid, when I was in the moment I felt I had every right. We kind of just avoided thinking about it for a few hours, but that night he basically broke up with me until I was "better". Basically not so depressed and crazy. I think I could take a normal break up, but he still tells me he loves me, and I still love him, it makes it really hard to know that I caused to end of everything.
I am young, everything considered. But I really think I am in love, it may not be a healthy love, but it's an obsessive /need love none the less. We have talked about getting back together, because he still loves, or so he says. I wonder if it will ever happen though and when I ponder it, I sometimes think it would be better for everyone involved if we never did. I just don't know how to give him up, and I still am stuck in this depression of needing to feel loved. I feel like with my friends and everybody, I can easily be replaced by someone else. I am not needed, and that makes me feel unloved.
Well, that is my reasons for disappearing. I hope to come on more often, but this place seems kind of dead. It was nice to get some of that off my chest though.
The people should not be afraid of it's government. The government should be afraid of it's people. -V
