Hairballed Kat's blog

So Apparently...

Mon, 7 Jan 2008 14:56:31 -0600

Nobody wants to give money to an underachieving (actually, I work really hard, but my GPA from 9th and 10th grade in which I was dealing with mental illness has dragged my overall GPA below a 3.0) Jewish white girl majoring in English. What's up with that?

I got into the college of my choice, a somewhat prestigious, small private school (read: really expensive) and I got a pretty good scholarship and a financial aid estimate that's not solid, but it doesn't look good. The school/gov't will only cover an eighth of the cost and is offering me another eighth of loan. I don't want to go to any other schools, for which the applications are due in about one week...

Now is time I can has a kiss?

Wed, 3 Oct 2007 15:22:31 -0500

9.9 I has a new boyfriend.

I'm happy.

Quick Question

Tue, 22 May 2007 20:00:10 -0500

I'm a terribly forgiving person. I turn the other cheek like nobody's business. I make excuses for loved ones who do things that hurt me, I accept apologies sincerely and with no strings attached, I give second and third and twenty-fifth chances, I never seek revenge, I believe people can change, I readily assume responsibility when something is my fault, and I am never too proud to apologize or let something go.

So... am I a good person, or just a chump?

I Suck #5

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 17:18:55 -0500

Hey gang, I thought I'd treat you all to a little update on me.

Things seem to be stabilizing a little, emotionally and socially and academically. I've been sort of bottling things up during the past couple of days, because I spent Saturday and Sunday sobbing and moping and I really have to snap out of that in order to function at school, but it's giving me a strange and somewhat scary feeling that something really bad is about to happen. I've been trembling nonstop all day (nobody really notices because of the cold spell) and I've been trying to cancel that out with sneaked mouthfuls of wine, but I'm worried that too much alcohol will pull all of the depression back up. Everything just feels very precarious.

kisses the ground

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 15:55:45 -0600

MP! You're back!

9.9 I missed you, pretty purple-and-green corner girl.

I missed you, pretty inhabitants of punkland!

*goes around a la Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life and gives everything a hug*

Update on me...

I'm still really mentally ill, my first meeting with the therapist my mom set me up with (at a Christian counseling center, believe it or not) is tomorrow, which happens to be Sam's birthday. I made him a card and we're going to have a little celebration on Friday in which I'll treat him to an ear piercing (now that he'll be 18 and doesn't need a parent note) and food and a cute Hot Topic shirt or two. As an early birthday present from God, he met a boyfriend over the weekend. They're already kinda serious, but I don't think that's such a bad thing because Sam has really good instincts about people and this guy seems really really nice. I'm really happy for Sam, although I am a bit jealous (I wanna girlfriend! *pout*) and I'm a little concerned that he'll be paying a little less attention to me, and less willing to be patient about my chronic crying/panicking/generally crippled state of mind. He blew up a little today about it but the following deep talk did us both a lot of good, I think... he's just so tired of putting so much effort into being there for me and watching me get sicker and sicker... hopefully the Christian social worker I'm signed up for will help... I really want to fight this illness.

I suck #4

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:34:06 -0600

Not such a bad day today. (barely) managed to keep myself together throughout the school day, and mom actually came through and called Kaiser (Wilhelm? 9.9) to find a few names. I sorta feel a crying jag coming on right now, but if I have some caffeine I might be able to stave it off until I go to bed...

I wrote something creative last night for the first time in a while, though, and it's pretty good. I hope I can expand on it.

And Joey, don't worry... Sam basically said (more like threatened) that if I didn't find help by myself, he would have the school hospitalize me. I'm not really sure if he could convince them that I'm in that much danger, but I really don't want to find out.

I suck #3

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 16:23:48 -0600

I'm filling up the whole blog-space with my daily posts, maybe I should get my own little blog so I can stop boring the people here who don't really care... *shrug*

Yesterday wasn't so awful. I was panicky in the morning as soon as I woke up, and I almost backed out of babysitting (the little girl I babysit on Saturday mornings is really spoiled and I get the feeling she thinks I'm really boring and mean...) but I couldn't find the lady's phone number so I had to go. The little girl watched the Bratz prom movie (a really trrible thing to behold) with me and then got mad because I wouldn't let her do every little thing she wanted to. Ugh.

I suck #2

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 12:54:53 -0600

Well, I just said goodbye to Sam... He chose to go back to the hospital for another week of therapy.

I had several breakdowns yesterday, starting with having to leave my first period class and walk around to calm down, then collapsing in tears on my way to third period, where Sam helped me down to the school counselor (an idiot) to tell someone about being... mentally ill... she clearly didn't care that much, but she let Sam and I have a room to ourselves, where he held me and gave me a long speech about how I need and deserve help, and he loves me, etc. which was really good of him. So I made it through the rest of the day and called him when I got home... and collapsed again. He convinced me to talk to my mom, and then a friend who we have a complicated relationship with showed up.

I suck.

Thu, 8 Mar 2007 15:07:57 -0600

I've decided I should probably start blogging again... I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip.

Academics are stable so far this semester, I think. Interims for this marking period come out tomorrow. I saved my grade in AP U.S. History at the last minute and everything else should be fine... I hope...

In any case, social things are... hopefully uphill. Sam's been a bit of an ordeal, he's doing much better but he's still pretty fragile, and it seems like if I don't tiptoe around him all the time I push him over the edge. It's especially hard because whenever I feel like I'm slipping I usually have him to hold on to, but right now he's just not strong enough and I end up making everything worse for both of us.

Good News INJECTION!

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 15:48:57 -0600

Everyone seems to be so down (it's the lack of that vitamin you get from the sun, I bet) lately, I thought I'd give you guys a slice of my usually-moderately-ok life:

1. I still have my lover, the Long-Haired Attractive Male. It's astounding, how perfect we are for each other. We're probably gonna see Nightmare Before Christmas in 3D tonight ^-^
2. I get to see my family soon! Holidays are always a little awkward for everyone on my mom's side of the family (we all have a serious shyness/curmudgeony gene) and that really makes everything low-key and nice.
3. I have fantastic grades for the first time in ages! 4.38, baby, read it and weep...

A Universal Truth

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 23:31:32 -0500

The thing about life is that no matter what it's like or how you live it, at some point you will get really tired of it.

Discuss.

My boyfriend tried to kill himself last night.

Sun, 8 Oct 2006 17:57:54 -0500

I'm shaking a lot and I'm on this terrible brink between crying and not crying. He was drunk because two of his best friends yelled at him online at the same time and he's been so tired lately that I guess he just couldn't take it... Last night we went to homecoming together and had a really great time, but he said he was going straight to bed when he got home so I did the same, but he ended up getting online while I was in bed. I had no idea until about two hours ago when I saw his away message which said he was hung over, and I talked to him for a little while and told him I was really frustrated that he got drunk but I did forgive him. He failed to mention what he did while he was drunk. After he left to go to the movies a friend of ours showed me the conversation they had while he was drunk. I can't be more grateful to this friend for trying his best to talk him through everything. He cut himself when he was really drunk and it sounds like it was deep (not as deep as he intended, luckily) and I'm really scared and upset. I'm not even sure why, the danger is over... I just hate that I was asleep the whole time, I hate that right now he's watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre right now and I can't reach him, and... I don't know, there's so much more.

Who gets a 100+ degree fever in June?

Sun, 18 Jun 2006 18:04:14 -0500

Me, I guess...

I haven't been posting all that much because I've somehow gained a life (mental image: Link running around and picking up little hearts), so here's a quick update.

I'm sick. In summer. I threw a party on Friday that was a pretty good success, and now I'm reaping the benefits of leftover junk food. I now have a boyfriend who has a cool car (Long-Haired Attractive Male got A MUSTANG!!), a job (at Subway), and a ponytail, thus achieving high school relationship nirvana. Have I mentioned that he's also got a wonderful personality, an excellent sense of humor, and loves me like crazy? Oh, life is so good in that department...

Airstream Unconscious.

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 15:10:23 -0500

Sexy cigarette silhouette semantic lesbian line curving airstream trailer reflecting refracting summer light gnats deet ears mouths reeds little boy named Polio on a sweet whim like so many shrieking peacocks. What?

I got bored and did this little stream-of-consciousness thing for my AIM profile. Does anyone like it?

Update, as it were...

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 11:41:52 -0500

So, here's what's new with me:

It's spring break

I'm teaching a gay boy how to snog

I've been on a steady diet of Passover food

I'm addicted to The Sims 2

And, has anyone else read any Nick Hornby books? I'm reading A Long Way Down right now, and he also wrote About a Boy and High Fidelity, which were both movie-tized a while ago. They're all quite good.

I'm listening to one of my Nuggets cd's right now. You'll never catch me being a flag-waving fool, but Lord, do I love American music.